I am feeling annoyed. This is not a new thing. It comes and goes. I wrestle with it, and then there are days and weeks where I don’t even remember it exists. Sometimes I get tricked into thinking I’m over it. Past it. Worked through it. Then in pops up. Sometimes just randomly, sometimes as a side effect of pain. Sometimes when reality sets in. All those feelings of doubt, uncertainty, frustration, annoyance, impatience. Feeling trapped in the ‘not-knowing’.
I have no idea what my future holds. Will I find a way to remission? Or is this the best it will ever get? Or maybe it will actually get worse, much worse? Each option holds a different life I would put in place. I can boil it down to this: do I concentrate on the small joys, or work hard towards a larger goal? I feel like I would not be able to deal with the disappointment if I had to give up half way through my long term goals if the improved health these goals depend on did not materialize.
Sometimes the stress of thinking so far ahead hurts. Yet at other times, sitting around feeling like nothing is happening; nothing moving forward- goals or health wise- aches even worse.
I am frustrated that things are moving too slow and too fast at the same time. But mostly I am annoyed at not knowing. I envision at least two different lives, yet only have the energy to work on one. If I set my sights too low, I might get bored, depressed. If I set them too high I may wear myself out, I may have to live with the disappointment in myself- knowing I was unable to reach my (perhaps unrealistic) dreams.
I would like to put all of myself, all of my energy into one goal, one “option”. I want as much knowledge as possible to be able to make that choice an informed one. I feel frustrated sitting here; it feels like I am waiting for answers that never come. I don’t know where to look. Who to ask. Do I search for acceptance and live a small but happy life, or do I cling to hope and risk everything to go big? I feel like I’m running out of patience with myself and others; I feel like I am waiting around. At some point, while waiting for enough information to make the choice will I just make a rash decision out of frustration? At what point is enough enough?